Flimsy Sails

Dear Epic War Criminal Mithridates,

Thank you so much for your communication regarding quality of our solar sails. As you understand, today's modern solar sails technology is extremely advanced, and we continue to invest in R&D efforts in order to provide the most efficient sail functionality at the lightest weight. In the last decade alone, we have improved sail technology to the point where 98 modern sails can do the work of 100 previous-generation sails*! That's a massive improvement and one that we, at the Solar Sail Consortium are proud of.

As you can understand though, with more complex sail technology, comes increased levels of frailty. Our manufacturing plants on the Refuge Camp use local labor and expertise to produce the highest quality of products that we distribute through a number of subsidiary companies throughout the quadrant. As every faction has some consortium stock, the princes in each faction benefit from the obscene levels of profits proceeds we make from our sales.

You have to understand though, that when your sails tear, everyone wins. Your investment in replacement sails means an extra 0.0000000213 credits to the factory where the sails are made, not to mention the economies of the factions (or at least to the royal leadership). Indeed, we also offer small "gifts" to certain crew members if they help test sail quality on your ship by facilitating tears.

So thank you for purchasing our product, and trusting your life into our incapable hands. We in turn will always try to make sure our sails are in stock at every port.

Kind regards
Mr Rip U Off
The Steel Song Clan Solar Sails Consortium


*Tested in clinical trials with a 10% margin of error.

Dear Sail Moguls,

It is with deep regret that I must inform you that my beloved father, Mithridates (EWC), has passed beyond the quadrant in a regrettable accident. He was found drifting in deep in deep space, his body (and those of his devoted and loyal crew) completely mummified by the freeze drying that typically results from rapid decompression and exposure to vacuum.

An impartial tribunal (commissioned by my humble self) has found that these horrifying deaths were the result of sail failure. (Please disregard the rumor that there might be a minority report misinterpreting some extraneous evidence-- insignificant space suit ruptures, bloody axes and meat cleavers, the resemblance of the hull rupture to a shotgun blast, etc.-- to mean that my father's crew had mutinied. Of course the minority report never did turn up. Strangely, neither did its authors.) There is also no truth whatever to the story that I refused to have my father revived from his flash frozen state because he might want some of my inheritance back.

Pursuant to the findings of the Tribunal, I have retained the anti-public relations firm of Smelzof, Deadfeesh, and Suwage to represent me in this case. They have videos of your brutal slave labor camps that will nauseate the sensitive and kind people of the quadrant. Perhaps more to the point, they have a very... interesting video of your entire board of directors in bed with a dead alien of indeterminate gender.

I do expect to eceive your generous settlement offer by fast courier.

Your (temporarily) discreet associate
Minor Juvenile Irritant Mithridates, Jr.

Welcome and thank you for choosing Solar Sails Consortium! Your call is appreciated and we will try to resolve any and all requests through this Automated Customer Services! After you hear this tone, *BEEP*, please state your needs.

*BEEP*

"Complaint."

You have chosen "Gold Paint". As you may know, our solar sails come in a variety of colors, ranging from our customer favorite, Light Black, and all the way to our newest premium, Jet Black. Unfortunately, the color "Gold" is not available at the moment. If this has helped resolve your issue, please say "Yes" after the beep. Or, you can state another service that you require.

*BEEP*

"Complaint!"

You have chosen "Canned Plant". Any and all plants and plant products are processed by the Agricultural Department. If you would like the call to be transferred, please say "Yes" after the beep. Or, you can state another service that you require.

*BEEP*

"COMPLAINT! COMPLAINT!! COMPLAINT!!!"

You have chosen "COMPLAINT! COMPLAINT!! COMPLAINT!!!". All the discounted tickets to the Broadway Hit Musical "COMPLAINT! COMPLAINT!! COMPLAINT!!!" has been sold out at the moment. If you would like discounted tickets to other shows that we have available, please say "Yes" after the beep. Or, you can state another service that you require.

*BEEP*

"LIVE PERSON!!"

You have chosen "LIVE PERSON". We here at the Solar Sails Consortium offer many ranges of slave labor, from Prisoners of War, Refugees, and many other Independents just like them! If you order now, your first 10 slaves will be fed JUST before shipment, free of charge! If you would like to place an order, please say "Yes" after the beep. Or, you can state another service that you require.

*BEEP*

"Yes"

phantom: Exalt! Lol

Mr. Mithridates (Junior):

We at the Battered Business Bureau greatly appreciate your letter of complaint about the Solar Sails Consortium, and are, frankly, impressed at the degree of courage you've shown in stepping forward to complain. We congratulate you on your fortitude, particularly when the last 3 complainants, well, discontinued their complaints because of a lack of, er, follow through.

We have had cause to investigate Solar Sails Consortium on multiple occasions, and have found little cause for concern. To be certain, we have not looked as hard as we might have, because they are one company with a sharp eye towards appropriately timed payoffs to third party investigators!

Thank you once again for your selfless commitment to calling a spade a spade. You, sir, shall be remembered here at the BBB.

Sincerely,

U. Should Payusoff & Wisay Soon, BBB