Post by Officer Genious on Feb 22, 2015 23:44:13 GMT -5
ntsheep, I finally cranked that drunken pity-party story out!
"And then he hangs up on me. ME!" She struggled to focus on his face, which had a rather disturbing habit of multiplying itself. She steadied herself on the greasy bar table. "Son of a..." She blinked, scoured her face with a hand and waved to the bartender. The big man frowned, as he did for roughly three hours every night for the past three weeks she had been here to drink up his spice and generally make a nuisance of herself, but the man who nodded along today-- a spacer, by the looks of him-- nodded and waved his credit card. A thick glass of spice planted itself in the table in front of Officer Genious, barely recognizable through grime. She paused only to smudge a particularly nasty smear before immediately downing it in one swallow.
"Hope that kolper catches space plague." She coughed and spat on the bar, then wiped the wrong spot clean with a dirty sleeve. "Rat bast--"
"So word is you were a pilot before the... Incident."
Officer Genious froze, straightened her sad self up and wobbled, like a glorious refurbished Staples Tower.
And a thunderous fart roared out with an odor that could only be compared with a broken septic tank filled with dead Narvidians, and with a contented belch the former radar officer nodded. "Yep, was training to be a pilot."
"I... Where..." He coughed, emptying his lungs of horrible things that should not be inhaled. "Look, we need a pilot. You... You need help. And a bath." The drunken officer shrugged, pressing her forehead against the bar. The spacer cleared his throat. "I saw your scores. And even as you are now... Ive seen pilots come back from this. Kind of. Well... Look, just sign up."
"Sure." She swallowed and suddenly turned green. "Bathroom?"
"100 hull with 40 engines," retorted a slightly drunk pilot, "we used to fly rings around them day in day out. They's like a statue compared to a decent attack craft. By the time it's turned around, you're already in their six and shootin out their engines. They don't stand a chance"
"Yeah, but one decent hit from the 60 guns or 20 torps and you're in for a buncha hurt right?"
"Nah, guns can only gimbal so much, and ifn you're flyin erratic, theys not able to lock on cos yooou ... unpredictable!"
"How do you do that?"
"Vudka. LOTS of Vudka ..."
(Sorry - it needed to be here because clearly it's where it happened)
Last Edit: Mar 3, 2015 22:20:23 GMT -5 by slayernz
Post by Atlas Screams on Mar 16, 2015 20:19:14 GMT -5
"... and that is how I lost my leg." "You think that's rough? Ever since I sailed with Captain Atlas I can't see right anymore!" "Wait, you're blind?!" "No, no. I see perfectly fine. It's just all the extra stuff I see... that I can't un-see..."
Post by Atlas Screams on Mar 16, 2015 20:31:18 GMT -5
The young captain moved swiftly. In moments, an overlooked and barren corner in the Hall became ground zero for one of his most heinous devices: the Fast Action Remote Triggered Blast Of Musical Badassery, or FARTBOMB. He made a few select adjustments before high-tailing it to the door. As he crossed the threshold, he depressed a small red switch in his hand.
Did you know that we can pick up unusued torpedos and fire them again only because of the Cadar? Its true. Back in the day, they simply fired individual soldiers at enemy vessels. Before they started retrieving them for reuse, battles were much shorter, and there was more screaming.
Thanks to modernization, Cadar ships are outfitted with tubes that are no longer 'fun' enough to be used by soldiers and have been retrofitted to accept their robotic counterparts. Side benefit, 50% less screaming.
Head Cadar Sheff. 1st Class. Torpedo Sub Speciality.
"Seriously, the lasers were really cool. I'd have hated to be the part of the audience that had them constantly shining at them, but me on the side (we got slightly cheaper seats), go to appreciate all the cool bright goodness without going blind. There was also a time in the concert that the musicians asked us, the audience to turn on our phone lights as the modern version of holding candles. Me, I had a Cree torch, so flicked that on and proceeded to blind half the people sitting at the opposite side of the stage to me."
"And the music?"
"I guess it was good. Never really listened to much of the Script before. I would recommend going to the next concert though"
Post by Atlas Screams on Jul 22, 2015 23:37:03 GMT -5
"So then I said, 'No, I don't care that your daddy is some badass merc, he ain't here now is he?" "Woah, what happened then?" "Turns out, he was there." "Every time!" "I know right? Are action heroes telepathic or something?" "I wonder if it's a union job..." "Probably. All the good one's are." "So, what happened to your arm?" "Well, you remember that badass merc?" "Oh.. right. Makes sense now."