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Post by Ahab on Jan 10, 2013 12:11:52 GMT -5
Mallor True: Hmmm. As a personal favour to Flynn? Maybe as a personal favour to Porsche or Mercer would be better? I didn't get the sense there was much personal favour feeling between those two. If I recall correctly, Mallor later implies that he was repaying a favor that he wished he didn't have to, and was glad that it was over now. In that case, it is plausible that he would put it more politely when first meeting the Knight. He definitely loosens up as the story goes along and they get to know each other. I have a feeling that we learn more about Mallor's relationships with the other characters later in the story, which neither you nor I have reached yet.
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Post by grävling on Jan 10, 2013 13:18:49 GMT -5
Black Row doorman s/cybernetics pallors/cybernetic parlors/ (note 2 fixes)
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Post by Ahab on Jan 10, 2013 13:37:11 GMT -5
Not a new typo, but fixing an old piece of text which makes even less sense now. The traditional text when picking up a package is: . But of course the Connector doesn't tell you. The information shows up in your computer. In the Story, Flynn says that you get the destination when you pick up the package. So I suggest the following change in the package pickup text: s/Here is the package. Your Connector will tell you where to take it./Here is the package. The destination is loaded into your computer now./
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Post by grävling on Jan 10, 2013 13:49:58 GMT -5
The Scissors:
s/You're flesh looks very flesh/Your flesh looks very ? something ?/ do you mean 'fresh'? In any case, that is the wrong 'You're' You want 'Your'
s/Where would suggest/Where would you suggest/ s/These increases/These increase/ s/don't' worry/we don't worry/ (note 2 fixes)
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Post by grävling on Jan 10, 2013 13:55:17 GMT -5
Not a new typo, but fixing an old piece of text which makes even less sense now. The traditional text when picking up a package is: . But of course the Connector doesn't tell you. The information shows up in your computer. In the Story, Flynn says that you get the destination when you pick up the package. So I suggest the following change in the package pickup text: s/Here is the package. Your Connector will tell you where to take it./Here is the package. The destination is loaded into your computer now./ +1
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Post by Ahab on Jan 10, 2013 14:35:02 GMT -5
You fixed one reference to the "yellow squares" in combat, but missed another. In Mallor's flashback sequence: s/consider making a short combat move (in the yellow squares)/consider making a short combat move (in the light-green squares)/
Actually, check whether that should be "light green" or "light-green".
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Post by Ahab on Jan 10, 2013 19:44:06 GMT -5
Luka: s/you will work a with Mercer/you will work with Mercer/
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Post by grävling on Jan 11, 2013 6:15:14 GMT -5
Back in the NBZ
s/mega-corp manipulators/megacorp manipulators/ s/up their sleeve/up their sleeves/
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Post by grävling on Jan 11, 2013 7:22:42 GMT -5
Cava Saint s/you are hear/you are here/ s/a few more options in them/a larger selection of goods/
s/stuff and it will come with rewards/stuff, prove your loyalty to the Fennians and reap the rewards/ s/I can image why/Ican imagine why/ s/What I can do for you/What I can do/
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Post by grävling on Jan 11, 2013 15:18:03 GMT -5
Moxa s/their head quarters/their headquarters/ s/is easy twice/is easily twice/ s/tell me what know/tell me what you know/ s/close on your in seconds/close in on you in seconds/ (note 2 fixes) s/one of the worst thng/one of the worst things/ s/work it in your/work it into your/ s/Don't forget who much/Don't forget how much/ s/you will now have/you now have/ s/safe house is nice/safehouse is nice/ He says: A safe house[sic] is nice. That's something completely different. Except that if he bought one at Black Row, and if he has just finished Cava's ladder and been given a safehouse, it won't be. Maybe: A safehouse is nice. Especially if, as you tell me, the hotel prices are higher this side of the wall. s/work like a hotel/work like hotels, heatwise/ s/stay there repetitively/stay there every night/ s/other safe houses/other safehouses/ s/if you have the money/when you have the money/ (be positive Moxa! ) s/networks of houses around the city/whole networks of safehouses/ (we already said around the city in the last sentence) s/they move about to do their work/as they go about their business/ s/Visit a real estate agent/Visit one of the real estate agents/ (otherwise looks like they share listings) s/the other available safe houses/ other available safehouses/ (note 2 fixes) s/He is a military man and will be interested in wasting no time to have you beating the street on his jobs/ very clunky try this: /He is a military man and will waste no time putting you to work on the streets./ s/to ask 'what's next' often/always be asking' What's next?'./
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Post by grävling on Jan 11, 2013 15:20:41 GMT -5
Sean Kelly s/us Irish/we Irish/
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Post by Ahab on Jan 11, 2013 22:22:14 GMT -5
Knight, to himself: s/I'm there puppet now, to the end/I'm their puppet now, to the end/
Luka: s/I supposed you've been down in the tunnels/I suppose you've been down in the tunnels/ s/its their thugs, drug dealers, and Connectors/it's their thugs, drug dealers, and Connectors/ s/You use to work with some Mars Persona Fixers, you/You used to work with some Mars persona Fixers. You/
Mercer: s/if you try to use them repetitively/if you try to use them repeatedly/
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Post by grävling on Jan 12, 2013 1:21:37 GMT -5
Patty Coogan buttons s/What kind of military can you fix with me/What kind of military gear can you fix me up with?/ s/What kinda arms and armorment/What kind of arms and armament/ (note 2 fixes)
s/to get into the backroom/to get into the private stores of the Church of Faith, Fury and Redemption/ s/the back-back room of the the Church/The private entrance of the Church/
(I think this will make things clearer about how to find the place. Otherwise you have to look at your pass to find out which of the many Churches Patty was talking about)
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Post by grävling on Jan 13, 2013 2:50:39 GMT -5
Lt Simon
s/is completely restricted/is completely restricted./ (missing period as the door guard talks to you for the first time.)
s/and some of the outlying areas/and in some of the outlying areas/ (and TO some of the ? )
s/You will do best if you know/It should help you in your work to know/ s/nice safe house/nice safehouse/ s/I have warned him you are coming/I have warned him you will be calling/ s/out of line/out-of-line/
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Post by grävling on Jan 13, 2013 6:30:33 GMT -5
Secured Tower
When you use your new magic keys to convert the building into a safehouse, there is no description text in the building.
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