Writers' Corner

[Joseph]

______
in the town square of Visterau, the orkis bustled
about, excited.Human filth was to be killed today.
Up above, Ryan watched the shuffling mass of green brutes.Dressed in grey, in a stealth suit, he calmly thought his plan out.He was to rescue the six Asurian knights.They were down to their knees on a impromptu podium, and they were waiting to be slaughtered.He checked his bowgun, his twin blades, and he eagerly touched the Current.The Current hummed within, giving him strength, empowering his senses.He nodded to himself, pleased.
"I love my job." He whispered.The crowd of brutes cheered.The prisoners were to be tortured first.Ryan took off in a sprint, and the Current raged in him.He jumped off the two hundred feet tall building, twin blades in hands.
The earth pulled him down, and he smiled.
______
"I have been captured because I stayed back, to guard the retreat of the Green army.Nobody anticipated there would be so many orkis berseckers around." throught Danilor.
"I would do it again".
"Brothers, at least the army retreated safely thanks to us.We did our duty.May the Father watch over us."
The others nodded.
Ahead, a thin orkis was coming with a table filled with steel torture instruments-a habit they took from humans, and they enjoyed it.
The prisoners closed their eyes, and recited their Oaths.
"Power before weakness, justice and mercy.May the Father watch over us.".
The orkis roared.Ahead, the torturer was picking a sharp and thin dagger.Then, a grey speck appeared on the dark sky.The figure was clad in grey, but shimmered with light.
______
The ground was looming closer.With a thud, he landed, and the podium shook, threatening to fall apart.His blades lashed out, beheading the torturer, and cutting in half his assistant.The Current flared in him.Moving in a blur, he cut the bindings of the prisoners."My craft is east of town.Take it and go."He handed them a package he took from his pack.
"Thank you, but what about you?"
"I have work to do."
They nodded.They flashed with power, and took off in a dash.The orkis soldiers surrounded the podium.He met them in battle.
______
The craft was, indeed, east of the city.The former prisoners climbed in and took off.Soaring above the city, the turned the rune repeaters to the city, and released a hail of bolts, before they flew away.
______
The fallen city shook, as the rune bolts struck home.The square was filled with dead bodies of orkis warriors.A pair of orkis breakers entered the square.He smiled as he fired his bowgun at one, and he rushed to meet the other in battle.
_____
Soon, it was over.The square was packed with bodies of the orkis.By then, his craft returned alone.He jumped in, and closed his eyes.
"May we fight and die so the others live in peace.Father bless the Shadow Strikers.May his Current empower us."
The craft glowed softly.
"Welcome back, lord."
"Toward Urthis."
The craft took off swiftly, carrying Ryan toward the city of the Asurian knights.

[Joseph]

Hey guys, this is a sneak peek in my work.I work on Tales of Ilirya and there is good stuff coming for the games.What do you think about the short story above?

[fallen]

Joseph - great to see you sharing your writing. Interesting story told at a sweeping level (things move fast). I'm curious what type of ship they had.

What goes around comes around It would be great to do some editing on typos, grammar, and capitalization. That would make it easier to read!

[Joseph]

Thanks I know there are typos, but I have school now.The ship is really cool.The action is fast, because the main character... Has some rather unique skills.I wish to create text based games, like Lifelines.

[Joseph]

En1gma any comments on that story?

[En1gma]

Aside from the obvious and easy to fix grammar/structure issues, I think it's a great starting point!

I would like to hear more about what exactly 'Current' is, and how it affects those who use/channel it.
I would also like to know who and what the Orkis are, how they came to power, and why they hate humans so much.
Ryan seems like he is awesomely OP, so it wold be interesting to learn more about him, his training, and why he was there to rescue those Asurian Knights. Is he one of them? Sent to lend them aid? Good place for some important plot points and much needed backstory.

I would consider dropping the 'Chapters', as the above section is all one sequence, and shouldn't be divided without a change in the setting or action. If they are indeed breaks in the story, then it would make for an interesting passage of time (each section of time could be meticulously detailed, and backstory and plot points injected as the time passes slowly due to the Current (if this is even how it works...)), which could tie well with the hastened nature the Current seems to grant-- there could be a ton of action in a relatively short amount of time, and could therefore justify the use of Chapters in such a short amount of (story) time passed.

It's always great to read the brainchildren of others, and I hope you take it as far as you think it can go!

[Joseph]

I added some more stuff

[amongstshadows]

Not really magic in my eyes, but I made a character who can send projections of himself through realities. Anything that is considered or could be considered a world is a reality to the character. He will travel in and out of existence itself without traveling at all. Since ideas, memories, dreams - basically the mind - are worlds he can enter, he can manipulate people's thoughts, actions, or even change their personality this way. If he would ever die, one of his other projections become the "real" him, but being "real" doesn't really matter to him.

Name is Sevyn, calls himself Sevynthe Flohwe. A very ego eccentric mindset, but do to the fact that he is in fact superior his ego is projected in a condescending and childish way. His goals at this time are incomplete.

[grävling]

Dec 6, 2016 10:06:07 GMT -5 Joseph said:

Hey guys, this is a sneak peek in my work.I work on Tales of Ilirya and there is good stuff coming for the games.What do you think about the short story above?

Hey, thank you for tales of Illyria. I have a question. Did somebody make the texts using a speech-to-text program? So far I have only found 2 spelling errors, and both of these are proper names, but there is a fair bit of 'you got a word that sounds a whole lot like the word you wanted, but isn't quite it'... superstitious instead of suspicious, withhold instead of withstand etc. ... I had a long list of them to send you and then, curses, my tablet died and the saved screenshots did as well. I haven't played Illyria in a while, and could probably rediscover them. Is this something you would be interested in?

Is this going to take place in Illyria itself, or are you building another world for this story?

[Officer Genious]

Just posting to say that I'm still working on Roach as my time allows. I've made so many errors and mistakes with this story, and there are issues that keep cropping up... But I'm learning so much from it. I never realized the importance of an ending before you start, or how important it is to have a theme reflected in every scene. There's a lot I did wrong. But there's a lot of stuff in there I'm proud of too. And I wanted to thank you guys for the support and feedback. I couldn't have done this without your support.


Thanks guys.



Now get back to writing and posting and stop procrastinating.

[ntsheep]

Officer Genious nothing you've done is wrong when you can still move forward. Even if it takes time.

[amongstshadows]

Dec 18, 2016 21:36:17 GMT -5 Officer Genious said:

Just posting to say that I'm still working on Roach as my time allows. I've made so many errors and mistakes with this story, and there are issues that keep cropping up... But I'm learning so much from it. I never realized the importance of an ending before you start, or how important it is to have a theme reflected in every scene. There's a lot I did wrong. But there's a lot of stuff in there I'm proud of too. And I wanted to thank you guys for the support and feedback. I couldn't have done this without your support.


Thanks guys.



Now get back to writing and posting and stop procrastinating.

I've found that focusing on breathing life into the world you're creating is a great way to start. You have to think of yourself as a deity; you give life to the world and its inhabitants, and they use their free will to tell you their story. Once your characters have a personality, you no longer need to tell them what to do, they'll do it themself. They might even surprise you.

[En1gma]

    A darkened house, old, lost to time. Pouring rain. Soaked to the bone, I bust open the boards which hold this house closed from the world and duck through a hole in the rotted door. My eyes strain to adjust to the light and I'm greeted by decades old floorboards that threaten to give under my weight. Instinct tells me that standing on them is worse than walking, so I gingerly make my way through the impenetrable dark enveloping the hallway.
    Everything in my soul says it's better to turn back and face the pouring rain than to greet the moulds and aethers which surely must reside within the crumbling walls of this decrepit abode. Truth be told, I don't trust the worm-eaten floorboards once traversed, and to fall into the crawlspace below would be the death of me I fear, so I press on. Every house on this countryside has a back door, and this one looked to be no different; perhaps the house would grant me passage. By the deepening dusk I can make out the trappings of a once beautiful and well-loved house.Here and there the furnishings betray the facade of the building's structure, their legs oft sunk into the sogged wood, or leaning precariously at bizarre angles as their weight presses into the floor.
    Nothing is audible over the roar of the downpour outside, and so I wander about, the center of the house seeming more sound than the perimeter, though I'm sure my mind is playing tricks. The kitchen reeks with the dank of a pantry long left to decay, and dishes lay scattered and broken, shunted aside by whatever rodents had taken residence in the cupboards.
    Across from the kitchen was the dining room, empty except for the table and chairs. On the center of the table rested a single flowerpot, with a single, abominable plant growing within. One half of the plant looked like a perfect daffodil, with a single leaf growing from the stalk. The other half appeared to me to be a human lung, pink and throbbing as if alive. I reeled, terrified by the sight, but was transfixed by a burst of lightning revealing a woman seated at the table. Dressed demurely, beaming me a smile, she beckoned to me and at once I was jolted to my very core. I blinked, once. Twice. Three times, and when my eyes flicked open I had been transported to a time when this house was brand new.
    The woman was there, still staring at me with bright blue eyes, as her children ran circles around the table, screeching and playing in the summer heat. Delicious smells wafted from the kitchen behind me and the house and surrounding fields were abustle with people milling about, merrily going about their day. I blinked again, and the woman and I were outside on the porch, sipping sweet tea and enjoying the day. We watched the birds wheeling around the garden, and talked for what seemed like hours. She never revealed to me her name, nor do I remember any conversation we enjoyed, but I found myself growing to love. Weather it was her, the house, or the atmosphere I came to love I do not know, I only know that the love was real, vivid, and fervent.
    What I do remember was her turning to face me, white teeth flashing within a perfect smile, and she said to me:"It's time to leave, dear".
    All at once, and as if in some fever dream, I watched the farm people drop to the ground, her children stopped playing in their revelry and grew silent. I was transported back to that dining room, with that accursed flower, her still sitting there. I watched in abject horror as her skin and hair fell from her skeleton, and the flower, once so vibrant in its horrific oddity, withered away to nothing. When I snapped back to what I could only assume was reality, the woman sat there still, rotten skeleton grinning at me with that perfect smile, now just yellowed teeth within a ragged skull.
    I wheeled away from the sight, and raced for the door, only to finally find the one weak point which would send me to my waist into the crawlspace below. Lightning cracked as I looked below for some kind of footing, and as its light flashed I could see below me a crowd of bodies, all seeming to look at me in their undeath. With more terror than I thought could exist in the cosmos itself, I realized that I was not standing on any kind of dirt floor, but upon a pile of bones and flesh which must have accumulated over the ages, though I know not how.
    Fingernails scraped on the floor all around me and I became aware of movement below me. Weak legs pushed and I was able to pull myself up from the abyss and I ran headlong into the door, breaking against it with my shoulder and tumbling down the steps outside.

(I hate my dreams sometimes...)

[amongstshadows]

En1gma are you saying you dreamed that glorious vision of emotion and atmosphere? I think it may have inspired me to get my lazy ass back in gear and write lol

[En1gma]

Yeah... My dreams have been rather unsettling as of late, but that was indeed my dream last night.