Heroes of Steel - market description

[fallen]

Team, I've just updated the Google Play description (and will get Amazon as soon as they let me) for Heroes of Steel. I've edit it until my head spins. I'd love suggestions, feedback, typos. I appreciate your patience in working with us to help make the game better!

As the update might take a while to kick in across the net, only look at the description if it starts:

"Command your party of four heroes as they strive to protect the last remnants of humanity with their diverse skills, magical abilities, and fierce melee talents. Born into a time of warring gods and dark powers, your four unlikely heroes embark on a grim journey set in a sprawling and immense post-apocalyptic medieval world of Steel. "

Anything else indicates you've got the old copy and the editing won't help me!

Thanks,
Andrew

[johndramey]

Took a look at it, very good overall and I only made some slight adjustments. First thing I did was move the third paragraph up to the second, both the 1st and 3rd paragraphs are about the overall setting of HoS. I felt they sounded much better together, and the 2nd/4th/5th paragraphs are largely about game-play so I stuck them together.

Other then that, I highlighted the changes I did. My text is in blue, your original text is in red. I tried to keep every change I did enclosed in paranthesis, so a typical change will look like this;

(original text -> my changes <- possible extra notes or thoughts I had; reasons, etc)

Command your party of four heroes as they strive to protect the last remnants of humanity (with their diverse skills, magical abilities, and fierce melee talents -> x <- I think you can cut this out, you explain in detail about customization one paragraph down and it just seems a little out of place in, what seems to me, a "atmosphere" paragraph). Born into a time of warring gods and dark powers, your four unlikely heroes embark on a grim journey set in (a -> the) sprawling and immense post-apocalyptic medieval world of Steel.

It is the dawn of the Seventy First Year after the world has fallen. Four of the Thirteen Gods rose up against their creator, the All-Father, and destroyed him in a cataclysmic event. In the following years of darkness and ruin, the kingdoms of man fell in war and flame. In the final days before all was lost,( under the guidance of an ancient order of druids, <- moved this from the end of this sentence to the middle, sounds better IMO) the survivors retreated to a mysterious underground labyrinth(; The Underdeep <- Names the place we are now, sets up the following sentence). Now, in (The Underdeep <- Capitalized, I always pictured the word like "God" or "The Big Man" with capital letter emphasis.), the last remnants of humanity are scratching out a living and trying to rebuild a society, but are quickly discovering that evil has followed them beneath the surface.

Heroes of Steel is a tactical turn-based RPG in which you lead a group of four unique characters, each with their own talents, special powers, and abilities, (on their quest through the world of Steel <- Added this because, as written, the reader can think "lead where? do what?"). Engage in (strategic -> tactical) combat with the ferocious, devious, and magical enemies who threaten humanity's last settlements. You must decide how to develop each character’s individual strategy (and -> in order to) build a (powerful group dynamic -> powerful and dynamic team) (to -> that is able to triumph over (the endless challenges -> impossible odds <- The main reason I changed this is because, as far as I know, there is no actual "endless" mode in HoS. It's more of a story-based journey with distinct parts, not so much a sandbox like your other games.). As you traverse the sprawling world of Steel, your party will face (a) myriad (of) challenges, battles, extensive mazes and fearsome enemies of all varieties.

Each of your four heroes has a unique past and a destined future to face. As they come to know each other, face their individual pasts, and to challenge their future they (will) form an unbreakable bond of companionship, loyalty and determination. Enjoy hours of turn-based strategy (and -> wrapped up in a) heroic story (before you -> for free, and if you enjoy it you can) purchase Episode 1: Death’s Consort.

Savor full character control and customization, deciding how to increase your attributes, skills, and powerful talents. Equip each of your characters with (multiple -> a variety of <- "multiple" makes it sound like everyone can dual-wield) weapons, armor, and up to three magical (or mundane) accessories (or gear -> x <- a little redundant, IMO). As your party explores the dungeons, cities and crypts of the world, you will decide the (overall) strategy and approach your team takes. Choose between hundreds of levels of talents and thousands of combinations of equipment.

Our indie RPG development team is actively continuing development to make this the top RPG. We are very receptive to feedback and suggestions to help Heroes be the best RPG it can be. Please email us!

Heroes of Steel is a free RPG with a strong (strategy -> tactical) element. With full control of every turn and aspect of your four characters, you can plan and execute every turn with exacting control. Heroes was made for fans of adventure RPGs, board games, roguelikes, tactics RPGs, and epic fantasy RPGs. If you enjoy (strategy RPGs or -> x <- Strategy entails large scale actions, like planning a campaign or building a settlement, tactical is a much better word here) tactical RPGs, you will enjoy this classic retro RPG with a grim story.

I think the description is great. The only thing I see as really lacking is a small section explaining your IAP philosophy. You put a section explaining the permissions, which is very considerate, but having a small paragraph just explaining about your pricing and plans for IAP would probably go a long way to making people not jump on the "Oh, IAP, terrible cash grab devs!" bandwagon.

Of course, as with everything I post here, totally just my opinion. I'd love to get some feedback or critiques from you or the other posters here!

[fallen]

johndramey - thanks for the help. I know its a time consuming task and pretty tedious, so I appreciate it. I took most of your edits, though I didn't remove all the keywords you suggested we take out Gotta get into those search results somehow!

Thanks, and I have posted and updated copy of the description now.