The Host (comments thread)

[contributor]

This thread is for anybody reading my Cyber Knights story The Host to make comments on it.

For now I've posted the first two chapters and would really appreciate constructive critical feedback on a few areas.

1) How is the flow of the story? Are you able to follow the transitions, or are they too confusing?

2) How is the pace of the story? Too fast, too slow, boring?

3) Does it feel like Cyber Knights to you and are the characters plausible within the world of Cyber Knights?

Thanks for that and any other feedback you might have.

[fallen]

I like the style and the banter of the team. The part about the guy coming out of the cardboard box really left me confused.

[contributor]

Yeah, I will probably rewrite that. Did it eventually make sense that that was Williams, the 4th team member?

[contributor]

I did rewrite it now, hopefully it's more clear.

[ncaoa]

Love the banter between the team. Didn't get the box at first either but laughed when I did, what kind of runner follows their knight when their not getting paid? Interesting character exchanges and development, the third part did an awesome job of explaining the nature of a Cyber Knight's jobs. The description of how negotiations work was great! Never understood how they could work. A random mercenary with no loyalties working out a deal for your faction. Now it makes sense.
One thing I didn't get is the bits of hacking text throughout. Is Shroud on the net the whole time or will this be revealed later?

+1

[contributor]

ncaoa, thanks for the encouragement. They are a unique experienced team with interesting dynamics. For all the bs and banter they are all highly professional and good at different things. Its actually a team that I have and I just built a story around them. Hopefully, if I'm a good enough writer, the hacking text bits will make sense later. I've got a pretty big story arc thought out. Hopefully it will keep me chugging to the end.

[Deleted]

Oh yes!
Really enjoyed reading that.
Easy to follow, what was going on, and kept me reading till the end.
Also let me visualise, what was happening, as I read.

Great job contributor. I'm looking forward to reading more.

Exult +1

[contributor]

I'll be going on vacation in about 6 hours and I'm not sure what kind of internet I'll have, so next weeks chapter may not get posted on time. Hopefully I'll be doing lots of writing while I'm gone though.

[zeroed]

Overall, it was very well-written - certainly better than what I can come up with. However, one minor suggestion:


“A hellhund’s had it soul ripped out. Wouldn’t make no kind a pet.” Said Zep, slowly. He broke off a piece of cookie and created a trail of crumbs from the rat’s hole to the rest of the cookie resting on his hand.

(Personally, I like to use … in the dialogue itself to express slow speech, rather than simply adding a slowly to the back of the sentence. The thing is, by the time you read the word “slowly”, you’ve already imagined a voice in your head, and then it turns out that the voice you imagined was wrong. Sort of breaks immersion for me, y’know? However, this is only personal opinion. This may or may not require editing, and it’s not my place to judge. Just trying to give feedback.)

[contributor]

Jul 22, 2014 1:38:43 GMT -5 zeroed said:

Overall, it was very well-written - certainly better than what I can come up with. However, one minor suggestion:


“A hellhund’s had it soul ripped out. Wouldn’t make no kind a pet.” Said Zep, slowly. He broke off a piece of cookie and created a trail of crumbs from the rat’s hole to the rest of the cookie resting on his hand.

(Personally, I like to use … in the dialogue itself to express slow speech, rather than simply adding a slowly to the back of the sentence. The thing is, by the time you read the word “slowly”, you’ve already imagined a voice in your head, and then it turns out that the voice you imagined was wrong. Sort of breaks immersion for me, y’know? However, this is only personal opinion. This may or may not require editing, and it’s not my place to judge. Just trying to give feedback.)

Thanks I appreciate the feedback. How would you have written the line to give the feeling of slowness?

[contributor]

Back from vacation and with a stack of work. I also didn't get any writing done, which probably meant a better vacation. I was trying to post on Thursday mornings, but don't think I'll get to it this week. The Host will resume next Thursday.

[Cory Trese]

Really rocking new chapter. I like the twist at the end =)

[rabidbite]

Did a brief one over today.

I like the way you write the chapter titles. Good 'version' sort of format.
I don't completely understand the computer code strings, but I think I'll get them in time.
I haven't read too far, but the dialogue is, so far, on point.
There are a few spelling errors, but ... hey ... NOTHING comes out perfect the first time, and this work has a very good fundamental quality.

As an avid reviewer of sci-fi/fantasy books, I can tell you that what I've read can be built into a commercial product. You can make money out of this, dude.

Good writing

rabid

[contributor]

Thanks man, I really appreciate that coming for you. For now my eyes are just on finishing the story. I've got a pretty cool big picture thought out, but have a lot of details to work out and am afraid that I might not be up to the task with other responsibilities and such. We'll see.

[Deleted]

There should be an anthology.