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Post by HateSolstice on Oct 20, 2013 8:43:31 GMT -5
I normally don't post this sort of stuff online, but this is one of the nicest and personable communities I've ever seen online(or offline for that matter). Personal life details typically aren't something I share, but I trust you guys.
You will have to excuse any typos I don't catch, as this is my backup phone and it is terrible.
So, I will try and be brief on details until anyone asks for clarification. Trying to fit several years worth into a post like this will be tough enough.
As the title suggests, I suffer from very serious depression issues, which sadly cannot be pinned or linked to any specific event in my life. A large part of it is chemical imbalances in the brain, which is why so many kinds of medications exist.
I also suffer from insomnia, which in my case is more than likely directly linked to my depression. I will be up for days(like I have right now), and while I will be completely exhausted and drained, my brain never shuts down long enough for me to experience R.E.M. sleep, or at least rarely.
Without boring you with too much details about my life, I will discuss, at least a little, my life since meeting my wife. Now I have to try and abridge 10+ years into readable content.
I will continue in the next post, if anyone is interested.
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Post by beuns on Oct 20, 2013 8:49:43 GMT -5
That must be both painful and awfully boring (in the sense of finding something to do during the time while you're awake and the other don't). You have all the sympathy from a fellow insomniac.
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Post by HateSolstice on Oct 20, 2013 9:10:39 GMT -5
To put it briefly, our relationship and marriage have suffered through a great deal of outside negative forces trying to destroy what we have. They have very nearly succeeded on many occassions.
First is the in-laws. Self-centered and arrogant, they very rarely allow my wife to be a mother to her children. My wife is very much the type that tries to please everyone all at once, with zero regard to herself. She is this way so much so that everyone in her family abuses this to their advantage, regardless of how detrimental it is to my wife. The only person in her family that is a semi-decent human being is her father, though as of October of last year that ceased to be the case in my eyes. Her mother is a 50-something year old child, believes the sun and stars revolve around her. The sister-in-law is a know-it-all, though I no issues with her until last year.
Next is the ex-husband. There's not much to say beyond being nearly identical in nearly every way to the mother and sister-in-law. He also has the added bonus of being the typical computer programmer/database designer and the associated attitude. By this I mean he's a complete slob, womanizer, and thinks only he knows or understands anything. He's also a douche. They had 2 sons together, which is the good thing he has accomplished that I can see(his kids also don't like him). In tge beginning he was controlling even though they were split up and divorcing. However, he spent virtually no time with his kidsfor tge better part of 5 or so years.
Finally is my wife's ex-high school boyfriend. I'll give you the short version: raped my wife repeatedly, she felt worthless and that she deserved it, he has/had no regard for the fact she was/is in a commited relationship, and I wish he was dead. I'll leave the rest of this one alone for now.
Continued in next post, if there is interest.
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Post by HateSolstice on Oct 20, 2013 9:12:56 GMT -5
That must be both painful and awfully boring (in the sense of finding something to do during the time while you're awake and the other don't). You have all the sympathy from a fellow insomniac. Thanks. Too bad I can't just switch off. I hope i'm not overstepping any bounds in this topic. Edit: I might not be able to write anymore at the moment. Nothing bad, just getting tired FINALLY, and my brain feels like it might actually out of things to keep me awake with. I will post more when time allows, and if anyone really wants to read this.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2013 9:24:16 GMT -5
My advice is to find a calling- a purpose to devote yourself to.
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Post by beuns on Oct 20, 2013 9:26:05 GMT -5
The only thing I can say is only on my behalf : do as you want but rest assure that I will ear what you have to say.
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Jamozk Ekhiss
Star Hero
This is not the Personal Text you are looking for.
Posts: 599
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Post by Jamozk Ekhiss on Oct 20, 2013 13:33:44 GMT -5
My deepest sympathies and goodwill to you - what I'd suggest is simply finding something you really, really enjoy, and just sticking with it. Don't let the bad parts of life destroy you when there are still good parts left.
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Post by slayernz on Oct 20, 2013 17:13:30 GMT -5
HateSolstice, it's fantastic that you and your wife have each other, and are able to weather the storm that life has been throwing at you. It is a cliche, and I hate using it trivially, but what ever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger actually fits your situation right now. You and your wife have been through a lot of strife in recent years, and the fact that you are still together and wanting to continue to support each other despite the adversity you have faced means a whole lot. It's the glowing light in your entire post. Regarding depression and insomnia, you're right. They are often intrinsically connected. You're aware of your issues, and are actively working on improving your approach to life. That's cool! Really hard, and always beset by setbacks now and then, but really cool all the same. When you're struggling, you and your wife should just take the chance to shoot off somewhere for a while to spend time together. It doesn't have to be expensive - just going for a drive and walk at a peaceful location would suffice. Communication is one of these things that is often neglected, or abused. If you maintain the positive bubble in your life that is you and your wife with open conversation and a genuine focus on positivity, then you'll be that much better off for it.
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Post by boeu on Oct 20, 2013 21:10:32 GMT -5
Its not fun with insomnia or depression. I myself suffer from skitzofrenia( dunno how to spell it), bipolar, personality disorder, depression and anxiety. My time is usually spent in fallout new vegas, with my wife or work. I stopped the meds nearly 2 yrs ago and I'm no different for it. The best thing for it is to keep busy and try not to dwell on things that upset you as my wife has gone thru similar trauma. We both just try to cope the best we can. All that you really need to do is live life to its fullest and make the most of what you have between your wife and yourself. Turn your back on the negativity from the family as their ment to be supportive, not bring you down, and always , always, look forward to a better life with your loved one
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Post by HateSolstice on Oct 20, 2013 21:32:14 GMT -5
I'll be honest, I didn't really expect anyone to really read this. I was kind of just doing this for my own sanity. But, as I said, this community is best one I've ever been a part of, and I trust you guys. Maybe because we all share a common interest in blowing up Steel Song grunts.
Alright, back to seriousness. I'm not entirely sure how to continue with this, because I'm not exactly sure how to condense so much into a few paragraphs. I want to stay consistent and address things as they happened, but there's several different things occuring all at once for roughly 90% of the time.
Oh, and just to clear away any false pretenses, I fully admit that I am not even remotely innocent. So let's talk about my faults and quirks.
I often place myself under the proverbial microscope, perhaps more than one should, and criticize every thought I have or action I take. I try to rationalize and justify myself constantly, and this is just on the inside. I am my biggest critic, and often feel self-loathing and disgust with who I am.
I'm not a criminal, have no real history of doing anything that would require the intervention of authorities. But I feel that way about myself all the same. But, to come clean means to tell all.
In high school, a few friends and myself decided we wanted to vandalize our school. We went at night, broke windows, damaged various pieces of property, and there was one incident where one if my friends thought it'd be funny to light some stinkbombs and throw them into one of the hallways. When we finally got caught, he almost got slammed with attempted arson.
Why did we do it? I don't know. I had deep anger and self-esteem issues(still do to this day), and in some way it was liberating and therapeutic. Wrong and illegal, yes, but it still helped on some level. Probably because I was one of the biggest and most despised outcasts at the school. I was sort of goth - shoulder-length hair dyed black, black leather trenchcoat, heavy duty steel-toe black boots, Marilyn Manson and Nine Inch Nails shirts - and most kids there hated me for it, especially when the Columbine incident happened. Within a week I was expelled because of the "Trenchcoat Mafia" I was apparently a member of, and the other kids started spreading rumors that I had a hit list of all the people I was going to kill. Of course, the star player of the football team and his parents complained to school district council, and had me promptly removed from the entire district. Couldn't get in elsewhere that was managable at the time, so had to get my GED instead of getting to try and graduate.
Then, shortly after expulsion, met my first girlfriend. We dated for 5 months, during which time she constantly told me and my parents that her stepdad would hit her all the time. I believed her and tried to help, but the police said they wouldn't look into it. At the end of the 5 months, she dumped me for one of my "friends"(still the same group since the first incident). By this point I was 18. When this happened we got into a huge argument, after which she claimed I hit her, and her evidence was a broken fingernail. I was arrested for assault though there were no witnesses.
Oh, and she lied about her age. She told me she was 17 the night we met. She was only 14.
I think I will stop here for now. There is a lot more to tell and get off my chest, but I think i'll pace myself with this.
I know I am not perfect, or even really a great person. I try to be decent, I just feel like I always fail.
I will quickly mention this, because it is what initially prompted me to start this. Since January 2nd of this year, my wife and I have been battling 2 seperate child custody cases, one against her sister for our daughter, and the other against her ex-husband for their two boys. And yes, they are very much so working in tandem to destroy us. I will elaborate more on this later on.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback. I know this site isn't intended to be a personal diary or blog, but it helps me in some strange way.
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Post by HateSolstice on Oct 20, 2013 21:42:02 GMT -5
@boue I wouldn't even know how to handle that. Schizophrenia I believe is the proper spelling, but if I really wanted to Google it, I could.
Regardless, I hope yoi have a handle on that. I can only imagine how terrifying it could potentially be for everyone, at least at first.
Another thing to take note of is that bi-polarism is one of the easiest disorders to incorrectly diagnose. I've had actual doctors, both general practice and psychiatric, tell me this many times, and I've seen the results of misdiagnosis.
Either way, you've got my support, for what that may be worth.
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Post by beuns on Oct 20, 2013 22:31:58 GMT -5
HateSolstice : I've been a metal fan (slayer, metallica, sepultura, etc...) for the vast majority of my life (I'm now 37 and started to wear black clothes and long hair at 14) and I have always faced intolerance and agressivity from others but I decided at one point in my life (after having been beaten up by some stupid but numerous guys) that I know who I am and that I wouldn't care about others opinion on me. It's painful (in every sense...) but I live better with myself since. As I tried to go on with my life, I had to get down on certain things (I still wear black clothes but unmarked ans my hair are shorter) but deep in me, I'm still me. I don't if that could help you in any way but if you really know who you are (with both defaults AND qualities) you can stick to yourself and go on with it. Hang on to every bit of positivity in your life chummer !
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Post by beuns on Oct 20, 2013 22:50:52 GMT -5
boeu : I agree with HateSolstice about bi-polarity, it's misdiagnosed so often that it's almost ridiculous. I've been diagnosed twice each time during a simple manic-depression episode (I know now thanks to a great psychiatrist). If you ask me (you have no obligation to believe or take into account what I say, all in all I'm just a guy on this forum...), you should see a psychiatrist that YOU choose and trust (the later part is the most important) and just ask his/her opinion. For what it worth, my thoughts are with you.
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Post by boeu on Oct 20, 2013 23:33:02 GMT -5
beuns thx for the advice but I don't see myself as having a problem lol my diagnoses was issued after 2ltrs of port and 17 valium
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Post by beuns on Oct 20, 2013 23:40:50 GMT -5
boeu : lmao ok. It explains a lot
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