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Post by fallen on Jun 27, 2016 9:55:01 GMT -5
Zer0Winds - very cool! Would love to hear more, especially about the leaders, captains, and Templars involved.
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Post by Zer0Winds on Jun 27, 2016 11:50:57 GMT -5
ExpansionRychart has gotten the new star system, over toward the west... now we need strengthened... there's no telling when the Xeno will show... they're always out there, however, the people shouldn't have to worry... it'll worsen our situation if we start talking about the Xeno. I've sent some agents out, to get the factions to trade... Maybe we can get our economy balanced... There's been talk on the planets... "What do you think happened to the rest...?", or "Will they come back for us?" Such talk is inevitable, but hopefully it's silenced quickly... holding on to a blind hope like that will kill you in the end. This is reality, in front of us. Though even I've started to womder... what's happened to the other Templars? However, I've got to focus on this... still, you just can't help it. We sent our cruisers out, they've charted a few star systems... my advisor came up to me with the news. Advisor: "Sir, the cruisers have marked some star systems. I think we should get the factions ready to expand." "I think that's best... need to keep them busy. How's progress on the tech?" Advisor: "Slow, sir... However, right now we should get them to those systems." One of the cruisers found two star systems, and the Zenrin Clan sent out their colony ship, and the Steel Song Clan did too... Rychart was a little farther away from it. However they built one, just in case. My agents returned, they were successful. Good....We need the trade. I've found myself growing more confident as the weeks progress, and the factions too, appear to be getting use to it. Luckily, no wars have out..Even Zenrin and Rychart are allied... in faction politics, that is. For the empire, we are all in this together... I suppose old rivalries won't be forgotten... (Alright, this one was longer because I could play it more today... Anyway fallen thanks for the advice... I'll see if I can get a bit more story. Right now I admit, it's more of a glorified records. Anyway, I'll get some more later.)
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Post by Zer0Winds on Jun 27, 2016 23:24:38 GMT -5
(I meant to post this earlier, much, much earlier, and I was almost done typing it, when the tab closed on me. So, here it is...)
The Appearance, the Conflict, the Loss
We found them... the Xeno... It's not like we wanted to... they colonized a system near some of our new ones... it was new, so it was weak, right? At least, the Templar Knight under my command at the Durandal, my ship.
Knight: "We should send those templar cruisers while their weak, along with a few of those Steel Song Fighters."
"I... suppose..."
Advisor: "Sorry to interrupt, but that wouldn't work. They aren't dropships, so we can't invade them."
"How close are we to getting the tech for dropships?"
Advisor: "There are a few prerequisites, it'll be a little while, but we've got the basic ship design, we just need the drop pods."
Knight: "Well, even so, we should send the ships... We can keep the Xeno at bay until the drop pods are completed." They're both watching me, waiting for an answer... I don't know... I guess...
"Send the cruiser with a Steel Song Fighter... but not the fleet." They both acknowledge my orders and the knight goes to issue the order while my advisor goes to do whatever it is she does... wait, what's her name...? And the knight for that matter?! (I suck at coming up with names, so you guys tell me: what's the advisor's and the Templar Knight's name?)
[The planet came into view, and as the ships scanned, the only sign of Xeno activity is on the planet itself. Damn... the Templar captain looks around, sort of disappointed... then the Steel Song ship came into contact with him. "There's another system nearby, with Xeno activity... They're on their way here now, prepare... They're a few missile ships." The Templar acknowledged the other captain's words... And the crew prepared for battle...] Templar Cruiser
[This wasn't what we expected! Three missile ships, and a mass driver ship, all at once... then reinforcements came! The captain slammed his fist against the computer... "What the hell... why is this happening?!" These Sidtax were stronger and more in number then he'd thought... reinforcements came, we've successfully destroyed one ship, and they'd sent more... now we're surrounded... we can't escape even if we wanted to. "Don't worry, the leader has sent reinforcements... just hold your position until then..." damn it... our hull is severely damaged... this is bad...] Steel Song Fighter
The Templar delivered the report, and it didn't make my day... the Steel Song Fighter is down, they're completely outnumbered... some reinforcements are en route, but... our economy has fallen... horribly. We're losing money every week... we can't build more ships, I can't hire any agents to help start trade... We're in a very precarious situation... However, it's my duty to protect these people. With luck on our side, maybe the factions will trade on their own... if not, the ships we have, won't last long against the Xeno... but I won't give up...
(Alright, I notice I begin too many sentences with alright, so anyway, help me name The advisor and Templar... So, thisif this keeps up in-game, I'll have to make up stuff as I go along... unless the ending is... hmm... well it all depends. Just so people know, this is my first fan fiction for anything... that's why it's kinda bad. Again, tell me what you think. Is it good, what should I do to do better, or just diss it if you really, really don't like it...)
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Post by fallen on Jun 27, 2016 23:28:57 GMT -5
During the part with the Steel Song ship, I meant "we've destroyed one ship, and they'd send another" You can hit "Edit" on your own posts to fix mistakes. |
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Post by Zer0Winds on Jun 27, 2016 23:31:17 GMT -5
Forgot about that, I'm an idiot.
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Post by Zer0Winds on Jun 28, 2016 3:54:06 GMT -5
No suggestions... ): eh, it'll be a little while before I post another, I've got something else to do... (anyone even reading this?)
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Post by fallen on Jun 28, 2016 20:56:22 GMT -5
No suggestions... ): eh, it'll be a little while before I post another, I've got something else to do... (anyone even reading this?) Well, almost 60 views so far  It's chicken and egg, if you don't write it no one can read it! Great to see the story of the game fictionalized. It does seem like we are in for a grim ending tho! |
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Post by Zer0Winds on Jun 28, 2016 23:38:32 GMT -5
Maybe... but who knows? I'm typing up the rough draft of the next part so...
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Post by hissrad on Jun 28, 2016 23:49:39 GMT -5
It seems cool so far, curious to see how it turns out. Seems like most of my recent games have gone this way.
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Post by Zer0Winds on Jun 28, 2016 23:55:48 GMT -5
Yeah... I have another game, same factions, different map, but they're doing amazing... shoulda wrote about them...
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Post by Zer0Winds on Jun 29, 2016 0:46:06 GMT -5
The Loss, the Dead, the Turn
The reinforcements were cancelled. The assault called off. The cruiser and strike fighter stayed at the Zenrin colony nearby, which would be the next, if the Xeno attack. Our economy is crippled, badly, so eventually, those ships were decommissioned. It helped, if only a little... There's a trade war, no trading, and morale is at an all-time low. Talk on the planets don't help, such as "the Xeno is there... waiting, then... then it will attack... soon" or... uh, "the housing here sucks! I don't care about the damn Xeno, I'm mad about the damn housing!" Wait, what the hell? What is the housing got to do with Xeno invasion? Whatever, we don't have the money to improve the worlds, build a fleet, and agents to start trade... nothing...
<I was the first to notice, I think... The first time I have ever seen a Xeno ship... damn... The invasion came out of nowhere... it's not ending... The Xeno... they're going to kill us all, aren't they...?> Bystander on Invaded Planet
The fleet came out of nowhere, the invasion started, and nothing I could do to stop it... The system is gone, there was no-one to defend it! Damn it... how could this happen?! Now the factions trade, the trade war ends... Our economy is recovering... There's reduced activity... damn... I hate these Xeno... I hate them all... but we're getting money at least. Things are looking up... let's just hope the Xeno stay away.
(Alright... that's becoming my catchphrase, "Alright", anyway, this one was short, I'm working on the next part... sometime tomorrow? If I have time, I have something to do IRL, which sucks... so, there you go! The decline, and the turn... things might not end horribly after all!)
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Post by Zer0Winds on Jun 29, 2016 0:47:59 GMT -5
Just for the record, I didn't mean for that to be italics... I don't even know how I did it...
In fact, the whole post is screwed up. There was more, I'll try to fix it... might have to re-post
Alright, I fixed most of it. It's at least mostly correct by this point, I did what I could...
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Post by tenbsmith on Jun 29, 2016 12:17:32 GMT -5
I like it overall. I especially like the quotes of various people. I don't think you need names for the knight and the advisor, it makes them sort of faceless, but given that your not developing their characters that seems fine to me and sets a certain tone.
I suggest using less ellipses (...). The ellipsis suggests an incomplete thought or statement trailing off. I think you could replace a number of your ellipses with just a period.
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Post by tenbsmith on Jun 29, 2016 12:26:49 GMT -5
Continued nit picking--you asked for it. I like this passage. [The planet came into view, and as the ships scanned, the only sign of Xeno activity is on the planet itself. Damn... the Templar captain looks around, sort of disappointed... then the Steel Song ship came into contact with him. "There's another system nearby, with Xeno activity... They're on their way here now, prepare... They're a few missile ships." The Templar acknowledged the other captain's words... And the crew prepared for battle...] Templar Cruiser But, The use of the square brackets confused me. It would be easier for the reader to follow if you started with something like "Aboard the Templar Cruiser, the planet came into view, ..." Also, I suggest restricting story posts to purely the story. Post non-story content--your requests and comments--separately. You could further differentiate these posts by bolding the title at the beginning of each story post. This would allow people to read story only, without the distractions of the side commentary. By the way, I find the most interesting games to play or write about often include early set backs that you're not sure you can overcome. This builds suspense. |
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Post by Zer0Winds on Jun 29, 2016 14:50:45 GMT -5
Thanks for the advice. But uh, I actually don't know how to make it bold...
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It's chicken and egg, if you don't write it no one can read it!
