Conversations overheard in the DV Prime Spice Hall

[ntsheep]

"So I bought one of those home drug test kits at the dollar store the other day because I've been a little worried."

"Oh? What for?"

"Been getting big utility bills. Turns out my house has been getting high while I'm at work. Had to turn down the thermostat."

The other spacer spits out his drink.

[Tomas of Moklumnue]

Well, it's as good as time as any to tell y'all a story from my prime. So, fuck it, here we go.

Date was 78 A.E. The crew aboard my fine vessel, Ghost of Bellatrix, was prety excited about blowing off some steam and eating something other than compressed and dried out rations, so I grundgingly decided to make a quick stop at De Valtos Prime to restock and rearm. Could've just waited 'til we got to Baza City with the Electronics, but I figured I could buy a couple more off the De Valtos Exchange, you know, really squeeze all the credits I could out of that shortage.
I pay for some Spice for my crew and let them have a good time at the Hall, and meanwhile, I take my pocket knife and sidearm with me to the Exchange to see how much all the stuff is selling for. Had good standing with the De Valtos, but you never know when some Steel Song bounty hunter will show up to claim a certain prize you may have on your head.
Bussiness as usual, is what I'm saying.
So I go to the Exchange and meet a friendly face among the crowd. My good old friend Jennix, the smuggler! She and I, we go way back, back to when we were working together, running errands for Thulun across Independent space. So naturally, first thing she asks of me:
"My dear Tomas. Would you happen to have some free space on your cargo hold?"

I don't mind saving a corner for some cargo to help out an old friend, and hell, the pay Jennix provides always makes up for it. But I like to play hard to get, so I give some half-hearted impression of stress. Just a short rhetoric explaining how my cargo bay is full of shit already, and I can't miss out the chance to get rich over at Baza City, plus gaining some favor with Syndicate Rychart by providing ol' Jennaliqua with her oh so precious Narvidian tech. I was gonna say yes anyway, but even if I outclass Jennix in the heart of our trade, she has a way with words that I just lack. I swear, she could offer some idiot 5 credits for his ship and they'd buy into it! So I said I'd help out almost instinctively.

What was the cargo, you ask?
Xeno. Alive.
Yep. 5 Xenoforms, in perfect condition. Captured from an Alien ship at some corner of the Quadrant I didn't care enough to remember. Small, but deadly. By their color and features when I set my eyes on them, I assumed they were Zenga, but there was no way of knowing for sure. Poor captain died tragically fighting the Alien, and the crew barely held their own after that.
Or so they tell me. The shitty story they gave Jennix made it quite clear the crew decided they were done fighting Xeno at the edge of space and revolted right in the middle of a fight. Probably fed the man to the beasts themselves, once they were sure they would win. Tragic fate, to end up food for the Alien. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemies.
Because that would be unclassy.
Anyway, folks over at the slums in Cadar Prime really like betting on the outcome of fights with these little monsters, so they pay nicely to have specimens to work with. I'm looking at 10k for just a portion of my cargo spacel so things are really looking up.

I get to Baza City, unload the Electronics, get some extra Warer fuel to be safe. Everything goes smoothly.
But then it all goes to shit real fast.
In the void between stars, I make contact with what looked like a military ship. I hail and wait for them to come close, given that I don't want no trouble with the Cadar after the last mess (story for another time).
They rammed me. Didn't even see it coming.

Turns out my little misadventures in Syndicate space hadn't gone unnoticed by Cadar. All the favors I did for De Valtos probably didn't sit too well with the UTF, especially after I broke the nose of one of their merchants in a Spice Hall on Pegasus Outpost. Officially, things were fine between me and the Senate, but some agendas hidden behind thin and worthless veils of courtesy decided to strike at me when I least expected it. Didn't want me dead, no: they wanted my cargo.
That was my chance at escape. See, I tried talking to the captain after they rammed. Thought I was heading to Cadar with Electronics I had already sold at Baza, so they figured a big loss would set me straight and playing by their rules. So, I loaded the caged Xeno into closed containers. Did my best to mask the sound. And when they loaded the containers into their ship, I waited. Kissed the captain's ass real good too, made sure he believed me when I said I'd stand with the UTF and help them cripple the De Valtos sphere of influence. Even laid out a plan to cut off trade routes carrying Javat Minerals to their Exchanges.
And then, when he felt confident and walked away, I waited some more. Waited 'til the ship was all but disconnected from my own. And then, I remotely opened the cages from the safety of my bridge.
Heard some screams through communications. Damned be whatever rifles they had on the ship: humans don't do well against Xeno without some Templar Leviathans. Go figure.
Had to pay the 10K back to Jennix for losing the cargo, plus some extra money to make sure there were no hard feeling. I usually don't fuck up a job, but I wasn't too disappointed. After all, it looked like a damned Trade War was kicking off between Cadar and De Valtos. Always profitable to take goods where merchants who can't handle themselves can't reach because of pirates. Prices spike, and I'm there to make the best of it.

So why am I telling you this? Because I'm bored, for one, and because you could use a few tips and tricks. So, what have you learned?
For one, you now know that what looks like a loss at first can always have benefits you didn't see coming. Much in the same way there's usually a catch when things look too good to be true, there are few situations in which loss is absolute. There is always a bright side which can be properly explored, given you know how to.
 Secondly, you've learned that you should get your info from trustworthy sources. That Cadar captain might've lived another day if he had. His crew too.
And lastly, you've been reminded of the sacrifices you must make to keep your ass away from harm in the Void. If you think you've seen it all, graver, surviving in the mean streets of your world, let me tell you something: you haven't seen shit. Bet you've never let Xeno lose on an enemy vessel, for one. So fuck off with your tales of glory and fame across the Halls and Habs of your tiny colony world, because the name Tomas of Moklumnue is widely known across your world, as well as all the others across this worthless piece of the galaxy where Man has set foot. Many others like mine are also feared, loved, despised, fantasized, or if you're truly like me, all of these.

And also...pass me the Spice.

[Tomas of Moklumnue]

In case you havent noticed, yeah, this is me making a story out of that one time my Electronics almost got stolen.

[slayernz]

Hooooooooooome!
The cat slumps down at his usual corner of the local Spice Hall. Well he does so after gently encouraging the occupants of his booth to leave (or be disemboweled). He just flew in from the other end of the quadrant and man are his arms tired. Good to be home though.

[ntsheep]

"I think I've had too much, I just saw a cat kick those people out of that booth and order pizza and beer," said spacer one.

"A cat? A bear? What's a pizza?" asked spacer two.

"Oh shit," exclaimed a third, "That's the First cat. He has his own ship. We need to get out of here quick. I hear where ever that cat is a crazy sheep and a killer rabbit tend to show up also."

[ntsheep]

We have found this secret video of the Steel Song Anti-slayernz device,

[ntsheep]

The bartender and the spice girls watched as ntsheep fiddled with several pieces of pipe, tools, and potatoes.

"Whatcha doing this time sheep?" asked the bartender.

"Building a potato cannon." he replied.

"Why?" asked one of the girls.

"Because I love weapons of mash destruction." giggled ntsheep as he fired a spud at a group of Cadarians.

[ntsheep]

"Well I see ntsheep is back."

"Yeah those last few hours of driving today really screwed with him though. He got so bored he started singing."


The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
All hail the one we call the Queen

It started long ago in the Startraders forum
The place where we gather and talk in the war room
We plan to shoot some torps and some mini wienies too
There's a flying tabby cat and a crazy badger too

The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
All hail the one we call the Queen

Officer Genious, her brains match her beauty
If you play the right music, she likes to twerk her booty
A question was posted and she dared to answer true
What is IBS? In short explosive poo.

The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
All hail the one we call the Queen

I saw a fluffy sheep, talking to a rat
Sitting in a teapot wearing a funny hat
Some big burly men, dressed in Cadar blue
Tried to apprehend them but the fartbomb timer blew

The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
All hail the one we call the Queen

The TB's really like, to make and play cool games
If you join in the kickstarter they may mention your name
Pledge just a few bucks, or fifty dollars too
But don't ask for ETA's cause they'll never answer you

The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen
The Queen, the Queen, the Queen
All hail the one we call the Queen





I may actually record myself singing this and post it later

[Officer Genious]

>:Dc

[ntsheep]

3 days, 1800 miles of driving does strange things to my human body's brain when it's full of digisheep my Queen Officer Genious. The flock got bored and I spent the last 40 minutes of the trip composing and singing to myself. Then typed up and posted the song when I got home.

[ntsheep]

The tv suddenly went blank and then a hiss of static came from it.

"Oh shit, last time this happened,,," started the bartender.

[ntsheep]

The Emergency Alert System on the whole planet was activated. All the tv's in the spice hall were blaring a loud signal. It soon stopped and a text message appeared followed by an audio one,

"Please be advised that Captain ntsheep has learned his niece has just had her first child. A baby boy at 7 lbs 14oz 20.5 inches long. He will most likely be celebrating."

The bar tender yelled 'Oh shit'

The spice girls cheered and ooh'd and aah'd.

Several patrons began putting on armor.

A minute later it started.

Loud explosions could be heard. People that were outside saw fireworks in the sky. Soon confetti began to fall. Then small hotdogs. Then toilet paper. Chocolate frogs. Robotic pigeons began flying through the air making festive 'toot toot and woot woot' sounds from their butts.

Down the street the local exchange announced and immediate trade ban on all Crystal Pepsi and Kit Kats.

From his palace the Prince watched as the chaos spread through the city. "Heaven help us if he ever has a kid of his own."

The planet didn't know whether to cower in fear or join in the strange form of joy ntsheep was spreading.